Melanie Geenen
Redemption and restoration are available to every marriage. The old saying, “it takes two”, is true. Each person must be willing to put in the hard work to stay in the fight, no matter how difficult. But when one spouse chooses to go another way, apart from God’s plan, there is a wake of devastation with a rippling effect that touches everyone close to you.
Living With the Stigma
I fasted and prayed. Family and friends faithfully stood by me. Yet, the divorce is final. It was not of my choosing; however, I was the one living with enormous amounts of shame. How could this have happened? After all, I was a pastor’s wife, and the expectation is that we would work things out and remain married. It wasn’t the outcome I wanted when my husband chose to pursue a different lifestyle over his commitment to God and me. My life imploded.
The betrayal and abandonment were overwhelming, leading to self-isolation and deep depression. I couldn’t escape what I thought other people were saying and it lay on my shoulders like a heavy cloak. The lies of the enemy echoed in my head; a divorced woman, used up, unqualified, rejected, washed up, finished, to name a few.
Although my husband hadn’t died, I experienced emotions that mirrored those of the grieving process. Through the denial phase, I felt as if I were wandering in a haze, trying to comprehend everything that had happened. It didn’t seem real. How could the person I loved and trusted not only abandon me, but also our family?
Your Story Is Not Over
For a period, my view of God was distorted. I was angry and questioned His goodness. What in the world was I now going to do with my life?
I want to address those who are divorced and let me say loud and clear so the people in the back can hear me. Your story is NOT over. The enemy wants you to believe that you are discounted and no longer qualified to be used by God. Lies. All lies.
Philippians 1:6 states, “I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” If you are newly divorced, these words may be hard to metabolize but they are true. I will not marginalize the pain you are feeling, for it is real. But God doesn’t stop the process. The work He is doing in you is constantly progressing, and your marital status as a divorced person does not hinder His work in you. In fact, He will use this storm in your life and will not waste a single thing.
God’s Truth
I am going to point you to some scriptures that were pivotal for me in understanding the character of God and led me to a place of healing.
Lamentations 3:22-23 were very familiar verses to me…”The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Through studying the Hebrew of these words, I’ve come to understand God’s intent towards us in a truth of enormous proportions – the new mercies promised reflect something we have never experienced before. It isn’t a restoration of something deteriorated, but it is God showing us the expression of His love in a different or new way. Every day. That He hasn’t done before. What an amazingly creative God!
The days, weeks and months following the divorce, I saw God’s mercies from a different perspective. They were created and tailored specifically for me and not someone else. They were mine. Great news – He is doing the same thing for you every day. I found it helpful to be intentional in my prayers of asking God to help me to see His mercies and not miss Him. He showed me that in the middle of immense pain that He is a loving and benevolent Heavenly Father who delights in rescuing His children.
Steps to Healing
I would like to offer some steps I believe will help you in your journey to wholeness. My prayer is that you will find hope and a path that leads you to a deeper relationship with Him like you have never known in your life. It is possible. I’m living proof – an overcomer.
- Don’t stop talking to God. Wrestle with Him through the pain.
- Lament your loss. Psalms lays out this biblical process.
- Find your people. Surround yourself with godly people who will listen, pray and be present.
- Seek professional counseling, if needed.
- Show yourself some grace – this is not an overnight process.
The God of All Hope
No one wants to hear or focus on the fact that storms happen in our lives. Sudden storms. The ones that blindside you and take your breath away. I don’t say this to strike fear in your heart, but to acknowledge that the enemy will try to use those storms to shatter our faith and pull us away from God. How dare he? Yet, it is his complete mission.
Divorce blindsided me. And there were moments when I wondered if I would survive. Literally. Today, I STAND as a woman of God who knows without a doubt that God is good even though my circumstances did not change. I am still divorced.
Restoration doesn’t look anything like I expected – my husband didn’t repent and come back to me. But it has manifested in my life through Romans 5:3-5…” because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
Choose to Believe
When we become the consequence of someone else’s sin it challenges us on every level. We have definite choices to make and one of those choices is if we will persevere or give up hope. As I have suffered through the divorce and persevered, my character began to change and is in the process of producing hope. In no way do I pretend that this is easy, but I know that the storms are being used by God to shape me. We get to share in God’s character because He IS hope and this results in a byproduct of a firm foundation in believing who God says He is and trusting Him completely.
If you are divorced or going through the process, I am so sorry! May I encourage you that God has not forgotten you. Use your voice (audibly) to call out to Him and ask Him to show up in ways that you can recognize. Look for Him – He is there.
For more information on this subject, take time to listen to our podcast https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/christianfamilylife/episodes/Is-Divorce-The-Answer-e2lus11
