Raul Gonzalez
Shame, as defined by therapist Chip Dodd in his enlightening book “The Voice of the Heart,” profoundly impacts not only individuals but also their relationships, particularly within marriage. It’s more than just a fleeting emotion; it’s a deep-seated recognition of our potential to fail and to love, to succeed and to harm. Understanding how shame operates within the context of marriage can provide valuable insights into fostering a healthy, and thriving relationship.
Dodd distinguishes between healthy shame and toxic shame. He defines toxic shame as the impairment of healthy shame:
Toxic Shame
“In impaired shame we have learned to equate humility with humiliation, failure with uselessness, and inability with worthlessness. This experience makes healthy shame toxic. Our shame has become so distorted that it is unrecognizable as a help for a relationship.”
Toxic shame distorts our perception of ourselves and our partners. In marriage, toxic shame can manifest as resentment, blame, and disconnection, eroding the foundation of trust and intimacy. We see this happening in Genesis 3 when Adam and Eve eat of the tree of knowledge. Once they recognize that they are naked (vulnerable) they feel toxic shame, and run and hide. We see how toxic shame plays out when God asks “Where are you?” Adam replies: “ I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.” Genesis 3:10 NRSV.
Identifying Toxic Shame
In marriage and relationships, this is how we can identify when toxic shame is at play. When we run and hide from each other; when we attempt to disguise and hide our nakedness from each other, we have believed the lie that we are no longer good, valuable or worthy. So we disconnect from each other, and that will lead us to utter loneliness and disconnection.
Coming Into Healing
Recognizing toxic shame within marriage is the first step toward healing and restoration. It requires both partners to courageously confront their own toxic shame and its impact on the relationship. This may involve acknowledging past hurts, communicating openly and vulnerably, and seeking support from trusted friends, family members, counselors, therapists or pastors.
When we are able to recognize our toxic shame and move in the direction of health, that recognition of our limitations becomes a gift. That gift is humility.
Humility
Humility enables us to embrace their imperfections and vulnerabilities without fear or shame. It fosters empathy and compassion, allowing spouses to see each other through a lens of love and acceptance. As St. Augustine eloquently puts it,
“There is something in humility which, strangely enough, exalts the heart, and something in pride which debases it. This seems, indeed, to be contradictory, that loftiness should debase and lowliness exalt. But pious humility enables us to submit to what is above us; and nothing is more exalted above us than God; and therefore humility, by making us subject to God, exalts us.” (The City of God)
Healthy Shame
In practical terms, applying healthy shame within marriage means cultivating a culture of grace and forgiveness. It involves acknowledging mistakes and shortcomings, seeking forgiveness, and extending grace to one another. It means creating a safe space for vulnerability and authenticity, where both partners feel valued and accepted for who they are.
In other words, when we can recognize that we are not the masters of the universe; when we can recognize that we are–in fact–limited creatures in comparison with an unlimited God, that humility lifts us up. It gives us the proper perspective on ourselves and others, and we can experience peace and joy.
In our pursuit of healthy, thriving marriages, let us embrace healthy shame as our helpful guide. Let us confront toxic shame head-on, replacing it with a foundation of love, acceptance, and forgiveness. As we navigate the complexities of marriage, may we lean into humility, trusting in the Lord to transform us into His image and likeness.
