Gray Foshee
My wife, Shelly, and I just celebrated 41 years of marriage last week. In the first 7-8 years we both worked diligently on trying to change each other. It was exhausting with no success or benefits to our respective efforts. There were so many things we didn’t like about each other. In our minds we truly believed that we had the answers and authority to transform one another.
God’s Instrument For Change: Active Force of Love
There are so many passages of scripture written on love. Jesus mentions love approximately 100 times. Yet the most used word for love in the Greek is the word agape. What separates this word for love from all the others? How can this type of love help change my spouse. The first instrument for change is the Active Force of Love.
Love is defined specifically in I Corinthians 13:4-8. It starts by saying that, “love is patient and kind”. Let me be the one to tell you…. This agape love is not humanly possible. The ONLY way to love unconditionally is through the empowering of the Holy Spirit. I John 4 tells us that it’s impossible to love God unless we’re able to love others.
Agape love is the active force that God uses as an instrument of change. So, what are some of the key qualities of this type of love? You can possibly identify this in a person if they are showing themselves to be selfless, compassionate, forgiving, and patient, just to name a few. Loving this way allows couples to move from a performance to faith kind of love in their relationship.
Second Instrument For Change: Reactive Force of Blessing
In our book, Two Becoming One, we learn that retaliation in marriage is a way of life. However, the Bible tells us that in order to release God’s power for change we need to return a blessing when insulted. WOW! Are you kidding me? If my spouse insults me, I need to return a blessing back their way? Yes, that’s what God’s word says all through Proverbs and the New Testament. If you want to stop the insult cycle within your home, then begin to return a blessing when you are insulted. Let me caution you, this will take great discipline. But once again this can only be possible through prayer and being empowered by the Holy Spirit.
To put this into perspective and understand God’s desire and intentions, let’s look at I Peter 3:8-12. “ Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”
There are so many promises and benefits stated in this passage. As you meditate on this today, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you anything that may be a stumbling block for you to live out God’s unconditional love to your spouse. I Peter 2:21-25 gives us some critical steps to follow in order to move away from insulting and towards blessing.
Inward Work
- Remove any sin from your own life
- Purpose to bless, not insult, your spouse
- Commit yourself and your situation to the Lord
- Be willing to suffer in order to find reconciliation
My wife and I can say our home is way more peaceful and harmonious by using these biblical principles. Our prayer is that you will experience the same in your home as well.
