Authored by: Jamie Beeson; Business and Life Coach
“We need to talk”
I don’t know about you, but hearing those words elevates my body temperature and accelerates my heart rate. I tend to jump to conclusions and leap to some pretty strong assumptions when someone wants to have “a talk.” What did I do? Why are they mad? What bad news am I going to hear now?
More than the words I hear, the look on their face can cause me to be even more reactive. The look of frustration, anger, sadness or deep disappointment. The body language I read sends me into my natural bent of fight. For you, it might be flight or freeze.
While the intentions toward resolve might be good, a delivery like that sets us up for a steep-hill-conversation to climb. We walk into the next words already feeling the burn of the legs. Whatever is said next can easily be received as fighting words.
In my early years of marriage, I always seemed to choose to “have a talk” at the times when we were most exhausted and most unprepared to discuss anything maturely. Right as our heads would hit the pillow, I’d say “we need to talk.” I’d let dust storms inside of me whip themselves into tornadoes and I allowed a small deceptive calm before I started the storm. Rookie.
The time, the place and the delivery are all important. I’ll share some ways you can start the conversation at the end of this blog, but before we can even start any conversation, we have some prep work to do. Preferably before any dust storm turns into a tornado.
Preparing for the Good Fight: Get Your Story Straight
After almost 24 years of marriage and spending years in a career of life coaching, I’ve learned to practice more effective ways to fight FOR my marriage instead of fighting WITH my husband. It starts by getting our story straight. We have a terrible tendency to use our vain imagination to stir up stories that are not only inaccurate and one-sided, but omit facts and turn ourselves into victims. Naturally, if we are the victim, our spouse must be the villain.
Here’s how it works. You experience something…a behavior you don’t like, a decision you disagree with, words that hurt, or sometimes it’s lack of action. What you notice next is your feelings. You feel frustrated, disappointed, sad, embarrassed, unwanted. However, you didn’t go from experience to feelings without one thing in the middle. That one thing is a game changer for the conversation that follows. In between your experience and your feelings, your brain begins to categorize it and name it. It picks up a proverbial pen and starts writing a story about it. The story you tell yourself about what you experienced produces the feelings you feel.
An Example
Let’s say Jenny has been home taking care of their 2 year old son and their 4 year old daughter. She’s been up since 5am with a whiny toddler who has a snotty nose and has been juggling pre-school, sickness, gymnastics, work obligations and the maintenance guy who is trying to fix the furnace. Jenny’s husband, Ryan, rolls in from work at 5:30pm. As soon as Ryan walks in the door, the first thing she says out of overwhelm and exhaustion is “can you take little Johnny, talk to the maintenance guy about the furnace and call your mom back?” His response is a big sigh. And the dust storm starts.
Jenny feels frustration and disappointment. But why? Because the story she told herself is that Ryan’s sigh meant that he didn’t really want to help her. She starts telling herself how he has it so much easier by just leaving the house and going to work everyday where he can focus. He then comes home and expects to be “off work”. Jenny tells herself that she never gets to be “off work.” It’s so unfair. He owes her his help. He is so unappreciative and unhelpful. Jenny’s friend’s husband is so much more involved. Ryan can learn a thing or two.
All of that madness going on inside her brain, in 2 minutes flat, leads her to have sassy responses, eye rolling and she gives him a cold shoulder. Her story came from one sigh from Ryan. Her brain added in all the rest of the details.
Experience —-> Story —> Feelings —-> Thoughts/Behaviors/Response
Before you start any kind of conversation, you have to get your story straight. What could Jenny have done differently? Could there be any other reason Ryan might’ve sighed? Is it fair to say that he has it easier? What things should she be owning?
“God, examine me and know my heart.
Test me and know my thoughts.
See if there is any bad thing in me.
Lead me in the way you set long ago.” Ps. 139:23-24
Preparing for the Good Fight: Get Your Heart Right
When we get our story straight, it forces us to deal with the position of our heart. Laying our heart out before the Lord and asking Him to realign is necessary preparation for any crucial conversation. A simple prayer to get your heart posture adjusted could be…
“Lord, I remember why you have brought us together. My spouse is my perfect provision. Holy Spirit, refresh my mind and help me to see my spouse like you do, to love them like you do and to fight for the marriage like the gift that it is. Empower me to bless my spouse in conversation and in my actions. Be present in our conversation as we work toward greater unity, greater teamwork and greater intimacy. I know that’s your will and I believe you for it.”
You are FOR your spouse. They are FOR you. Together, you are creating little disciples in your home and stewarding all that God has provided. Together. Fight FOR them.
Get Your Good Fight Started
With your story straight and your heart right, you can begin to fight FOR your marriage and start the conversation. But how? If it’s not “we need to talk” then what are you saying? Here are some conversation starters you can try.
The story I've made up in my head is...
I'm curious about...
Tell me more about...
I'm wondering...
Help me understand...
Talk to me about...
Walk me through...
Back to Jenny. When Jenny hears the sigh, she can interrupt the story and get curious. I wonder why he sighed? Maybe he had a hard day. Maybe he’s not feeling well. Maybe he’s really overwhelmed by the project he’s spearheading. Maybe he called his mom on the way home and heard bad news. Maybe he’s disappointed that Jenny wasn’t excited to see him and didn’t greet him. Jenny’s story is this: She’s had an overwhelming day and she needs help. Out of her stress, she immediately asked for help without acknowledging or greeting her husband. His response was a sigh. Those are the facts. The rest of the story, she has to dialogue about. She needs to own the fact that she could’ve asked differently. So, she could start a conversation later (at a good time…NOT when their heads hit the pillow) with something like this:
“Hey Ryan. I’m so sorry that I didn’t even greet you when you came home. I was flustered all day and I saw you and just wanted to leap to you for help. That wasn’t fair of me to do. Do you forgive me? I also noticed that when I asked for your help, you sighed, I’m curious what was behind the sigh. Is there anything you want to share with me?”
Starting a Good Fight
This is a good start to a good fight FOR a marriage. What happens after is a dialogue working towards unity and a decided way you can handle days like this in the future. Getting your story straight and your heart right are always appropriate prep work to having a hard conversation with our spouse. “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Prov. 16:24 Let our words be like honey instead of like daggers. Let our hearts be honoring our God and our spouses. Let our fights be FOR our perfect provision found in our spouse and in the union that God brought together. It’s worth fighting for.
Here’s a little checklist for you to help you get your heart right and remind you of ways you can start these conversations in the future.
